There was a study done in the 90’s that said anyone who has practiced a skill for 10,000 hours is considered an expert in their area of study. Seeing as how I have parented for a good, meeeeeeeh almost ten thousand hours (around 8000 to be exact) I figured its a good time to start my blogging as a parenting expert. This is a written history of my trials, tribulations, and God willing, triumphs. Don’t judge my grammar, punctuation or the extra letters included in these writings. I have a feeling you have not practiced your proofreading skills for 10,000 hours, nor are you trying to write with a small technologically advanced one year old.
That being said. Here is an example of my expert parenting at its finest.
It was Friday morning. Declan woke up at the glorious hour of about 4:30 am and absolutely, under no circumstances would not go back to bed. So I’m up. Tom had an early appointment that he had to get to so he was downstairs. I am upstairs with Declan. We start the morning off with an exciting adventure around the bedroom. Little Did I know, we were adventuring with a total blow out diaper. Down to the ankles. I can see his path through a trail of poo that is now drug throughout my master bedroom.
We have a glorious soak tub. The first use it has ever gotten was a poo streaked baby in need of a safe housing place. I put Declan in tub for safe keeping while i run around, half asleep trying to figure out what to do.There are no diapers on the second level so as I scream frantically down to Tommy for diapers I decide the only option is to put Declan in the shower.
The shower went great. Clean in no time. It was what followed that makes the struggle so real.
I got Declan out of the shower. Clean diaper and all is right with the world. I decide that I can let him crawl around the room while I clean up the poo smeared carpet and tub that I cannot even begin to explain the damage that has been done.
I have literally turned my back for 15 seconds and I notice that the room has become very quiet. I always read things about “you know theres trouble when your toddler is quiet…” I thought I had time. I really did. Declan is only 11 months old. I HAVE TIME BEFORE QUIET IS BAD! HA! Anyway, The room is quiet and I find Declan in the shower (it’s one of the stand up ones with the door… I’m a dummy and left the door open in my haste to get him toweled after his shower) I thought he was just playing in the left over water when I looked a little closer and noticed he was foaming from the mouth. The horror that overcame me, as now I am one of those people who lets their kid into the shower to eat soap, was horrendous. It was that moment that I realized, standing there in my master bedroom, carpet covered in baby poo, child in the shower foaming at the mouth , that I am in fact NOT in control. Declan holds the soap piece out to me to share. At least we’re learning that at a young age. Gold star for us!
I yank him out of the tub and am running with him, at arms length- soaking wet- down the stairs to Tommy, frantically saying “I NEED HELP!!!”
Gah, OK, fast forward. Carpet is cleaned up. Tub is washed out. I am dressed for work. Tommy has since left the house and I am doing my makeup in the downstairs bathroom. Normally Declan likes to come in and scream at himself in the mirror which is great. Total distraction and I can get ready and everything is good. Yeah, normally. This time, I look to my right, mid stroke in mascara and see toilet paper flying. Declan is shredding the entire *new* roll of toilet paper.
No Biggie, I put him outside the bathroom, gather up all the toilet paper and put it on the counter. At this point, my make up is at that “good enough” stage where we are just going to go with it.
OK, breakfast time. MY breakfast time, Declan has eaten like, twice by now. I make some oatmeal.I just want to let you know – I am GREAT at making oatmeal. Literally, cannot mess it up. Its good. I give Declan some and he spits its out. Not only does he spit it out. He wipes it on the couch…and me…in my work clothes….
Scratch breakfast. I’ve had enough anyway. I run upstairs for a new shirt and some pants for Declan. I come down about 34 seconds later to find him tearing the house decorations apart. Thank goodness they were repairable but…. the struggle….
Then we left the house.
We made it.
I am writing this blog because I LOVE motherhood. I never thought I would be a mother and never liked kids.But every single day I wake up there is a new adventure that I never want to forget. That is why I am “blogging”. This is the story about my parenting experience; the adventure that I could never envision of taking without my wonderful husband Tommy and our crazy little nugget Declan and good ole pup Emma.